Delusions of the Broken-Hearted....

I have finally found the cure for dumpee's guilt and remorse.

For years I've dealt with this problem that I'm sure many go through themselves. Everybody has been dumped one time or another (if not..you will...MWHAHAHA...sorry that was in poor taste. ) Usually, after this time....no matter how bad the relationship was, we start romantizing the dumper. (At least that was my problem) All of sudden, their character flaws that you couldn't stand start becoming their unique "quirks" you can't possibly live without.

You start convincing yourself that their hostility were signs of passion, their alcoholism suddenly turns into connoisseurism, their flatulence problems become 'signs of true intimacy,' their cheap Cool Water and Old Spice colognes are distinct aromas of sweet heaven, and the many nights of rapid speed sex that sent you desperately searching for double A batteries afterwards, metaphorizes into blissful lovemaking that not even Harlequin novels could re-enact in words.

So where do all the negative feelings and energy you've been harnessing about the relationship go to? Well to your reflection of course! Suddenly you see your reasonable need for affection as being too clingy, your intelligence as being an emasculation, and your smart and sexy "Cosmo" learned sex tricks as something only a homosexual necrophiliac would crave for. We start to blame ourselves for everything that went wrong, and therefore create a lot of unknowingly serious damage to our self-esteems and to our hearts. (Trust me, considering my given track record of being dumped...it starts to take a toll on you.)

My best friend and I were talking about this the other day, and it made for a good discussion.

Why is it we start thinking the ones that needed to be out of our lives, are the ones that got away?

Is it because some people can't take rejection very well? Is it because we truly believe the optimistic things that are coming out of our mouths...maybe. However, I think deep down, no one wants to admit that a cheap, erratic, and limp d*cked alcoholic does NOT want us anymore. I mean, how does that look on us?

If you find yourself following this unhealthy pattern...just repeat these words to yourself everyday: "I am a good person who deserves happiness and a good man/woman in my life." Yes, I know it sounds hokey and embarassing....but, honestly, embarrassment is a lot easier to get over than a chronically low self esteem. If YOU don't believe you deserve good things in your life...then you will never get them. Simple as that. Say that little affirmation to yourself to everyday...and hopefully one day, you will start believing in it.

Yes, there's always going to be that one that got away, but the one you have to be concerned with is yourself. Stop punishing yourself and live your life for yourself instead of for a memory that can't be restored. You never know what the future will bring...so live in the present without the rose colored glasses on for a change!

Lilac Rose

I may not be the girliest of girls, but like every female out there, I have a favourite flower. Although, unlike most girls who love flowers simply because they smell good, or they make a room look nice, or they verify their man cares about them when given as a gift, I truly admired and envied the flower I have been captivated with since I was a little girl. This flower being a lilac rose.

A lilac rose is unique, rare, beautiful, hard to find, thornless, and connotes love at first sight. I've only seen a few in my lifetime but it was enough to make me obsessed about them when I was a kid. To this day, I'm still infatuated with just the color alone.

You may be thinking, "Geez, Serena, it's just a f*cking flower." But, to me, the rose meant more. I've always wanted a guy I cared for to see me the way I see my favourite rose. You see, the rose stood for what I hoped I would become and how I would be perceived in my love life. (Yep..most young girls liked playing with dolls when they were little...I liked finding meaning in flowers....Don't worry, I'm aware I'm a freak.)

Unfortunately for me, I haven't been so lucky in that department. Most guys I've been romantically involved with have either viewed me as a red rose,(full of lust), a weed, (jerk offs), or very few have seen me as the rose I admire, only to get too close and realize I'm far from thornless.Those thorns are very tricky to get rid of. I realized recently that although the qualities of a lilac rose may be appear on the outside, (at least to some) if YOU don't truly believe you inhabit those qualities, then the thorns will never go away. You'll end up pushing the object of your affections away...or they'll never want to get too close to you.

What I'm trying to say is...love yourself, because no one is going to see how wonderful you are, if you can't see it yourself. I, myself am going through the process of thorn ripping. Although, I know I will never get rid of all of them. There's always going to be a couple. (which is normal...I'm not perfect.) I just have to meet that guy that's not scared of pricking their finger once or twice.