Thursday, November 27, 2008

Delusions of the Broken-Hearted....

I have finally found the cure for dumpee's guilt and remorse.

For years I've dealt with this problem that I'm sure many go through themselves. Everybody has been dumped one time or another (if will...MWHAHAHA...sorry that was in poor taste. ) Usually, after this matter how bad the relationship was, we start romantizing the dumper. (At least that was my problem) All of sudden, their character flaws that you couldn't stand start becoming their unique "quirks" you can't possibly live without.

You start convincing yourself that their hostility were signs of passion, their alcoholism suddenly turns into connoisseurism, their flatulence problems become 'signs of true intimacy,' their cheap Cool Water and Old Spice colognes are distinct aromas of sweet heaven, and the many nights of rapid speed sex that sent you desperately searching for double A batteries afterwards, metaphorizes into blissful lovemaking that not even Harlequin novels could re-enact in words.

So where do all the negative feelings and energy you've been harnessing about the relationship go to? Well to your reflection of course! Suddenly you see your reasonable need for affection as being too clingy, your intelligence as being an emasculation, and your smart and sexy "Cosmo" learned sex tricks as something only a homosexual necrophiliac would crave for. We start to blame ourselves for everything that went wrong, and therefore create a lot of unknowingly serious damage to our self-esteems and to our hearts. (Trust me, considering my given track record of being starts to take a toll on you.)

My best friend and I were talking about this the other day, and it made for a good discussion.

Why is it we start thinking the ones that needed to be out of our lives, are the ones that got away?

Is it because some people can't take rejection very well? Is it because we truly believe the optimistic things that are coming out of our mouths...maybe. However, I think deep down, no one wants to admit that a cheap, erratic, and limp d*cked alcoholic does NOT want us anymore. I mean, how does that look on us?

If you find yourself following this unhealthy pattern...just repeat these words to yourself everyday: "I am a good person who deserves happiness and a good man/woman in my life." Yes, I know it sounds hokey and embarassing....but, honestly, embarrassment is a lot easier to get over than a chronically low self esteem. If YOU don't believe you deserve good things in your life...then you will never get them. Simple as that. Say that little affirmation to yourself to everyday...and hopefully one day, you will start believing in it.

Yes, there's always going to be that one that got away, but the one you have to be concerned with is yourself. Stop punishing yourself and live your life for yourself instead of for a memory that can't be restored. You never know what the future will live in the present without the rose colored glasses on for a change!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Lilac Rose

I may not be the girliest of girls, but like every female out there, I have a favourite flower. Although, unlike most girls who love flowers simply because they smell good, or they make a room look nice, or they verify their man cares about them when given as a gift, I truly admired and envied the flower I have been captivated with since I was a little girl. This flower being a lilac rose.

A lilac rose is unique, rare, beautiful, hard to find, thornless, and connotes love at first sight. I've only seen a few in my lifetime but it was enough to make me obsessed about them when I was a kid. To this day, I'm still infatuated with just the color alone.

You may be thinking, "Geez, Serena, it's just a f*cking flower." But, to me, the rose meant more. I've always wanted a guy I cared for to see me the way I see my favourite rose. You see, the rose stood for what I hoped I would become and how I would be perceived in my love life. (Yep..most young girls liked playing with dolls when they were little...I liked finding meaning in flowers....Don't worry, I'm aware I'm a freak.)

Unfortunately for me, I haven't been so lucky in that department. Most guys I've been romantically involved with have either viewed me as a red rose,(full of lust), a weed, (jerk offs), or very few have seen me as the rose I admire, only to get too close and realize I'm far from thornless.Those thorns are very tricky to get rid of. I realized recently that although the qualities of a lilac rose may be appear on the outside, (at least to some) if YOU don't truly believe you inhabit those qualities, then the thorns will never go away. You'll end up pushing the object of your affections away...or they'll never want to get too close to you.

What I'm trying to say yourself, because no one is going to see how wonderful you are, if you can't see it yourself. I, myself am going through the process of thorn ripping. Although, I know I will never get rid of all of them. There's always going to be a couple. (which is normal...I'm not perfect.) I just have to meet that guy that's not scared of pricking their finger once or twice.

12 Characters Sure to Die in a Horror Film

Originally Posted on

The horror genre has definitely changed over the years. Before there were certain rules to stay alive, but now a lot rules have been broken. Now virgins can die, and non Caucasian characters can live past the first scene, and be the heroes/heroines of the film. Although, I noticed that the more things change in this genre, the more they actually stay the same. Even though horror films have become more modernized, they still follow a certain formula when it comes to which characters live or not. Here is my personal list of a few doomed characters in both old and new horror films.

The “Shover”- Slasher movies always point out to the audience how to separate the strong from the weak as soon as the horror begins. It’s very easy to determine who the cowards are, and they usually make themselves known right away. Cowards usually pad the numbers early on for the killers, but I have watched quite a few horror films where the coward will redeem themselves by eventually fighting back. However, there is one type of coward that never makes it to the end of the movie. One that will never be able to redeem himself. I like to call this person, “the shover.” The shover is the p*ssy in the group who will literally shove another character into the killer’s direction simply to create a distraction and to buy some time to run away and hide. This person will always get their well-deserved comeuppances, and usually in a horrific way that makes the audience cheer.

The Non-Listener- Have you ever noticed the few characters that act as if they are completely deaf and ignore whatever the main character says they should be doing? (*Cardinal Rule: Whatever the main character says after the horror begins is GOSPEL. Always listen to them!) This is because they think the easier and faster route is the best chance to get out of harm’s way. (These are usually the as*holes that suggest to split up!) They are selfish, stubborn, and usually don’t hear the killer sneak up on them due to the massive ear wax buildup in their ears.

Forgettable/Generic/No-name Characters- If you find yourself watching a slasher involving a group of people, and in that group you still don’t know or can’t remember certain characters names within the first half hour, then they will die. If you find yourself watching a slasher with characters spewing dialogue as pointless as the creation of flavored condoms, then they will die. If you find yourself watching a slasher and you’re only able to refer to a character by a stereo-type followed by a number such as, “slut #2,” “bumbling security guard # 5,” “skinhead # 3,” then you guessed it…they will DIE!

The Prude- Now a prude is much different than a virgin. (Virgins are simply called prudes in horror movies when they turn down their horny boyfriend’s sexual advances) An actual prude in a horror movie is someone who doesn’t drink, smoke, do drugs, or have sex and they JUDGE everybody around them that has a vice. They are usually stuck up and act as if they have a huge stick up their asses the whole time they’re onscreen. They are also usually the first ones to go. (Thank GOD!) I always thought the message filmmakers are trying to send out is for people to enjoy life!

The “Vice-Abuser”- Horror films have definitely changed over the years. It used to be if you smoked pot, drank, had sex, you were instantly signing your death warrant. It’s a little different nowadays. You can be the slut and conquer. You can be the stoner, and end up being the hero at the end. However, if you smoke pole as well as smoke pot, then you’re screwed. You can partake in one vice….THAT’S IT.

The “Turning Point” Person- In almost every scary movie, there’s always of a point of no return. There comes a time where a crucial decision has to be made, and it’s always the wrong one made by one person. Be it taking a short cut, getting into a preventable car accident, staying at a creepy motel, or going back to help someone in need, this douche is responsible for the horror that is to come. Even lead protagonists are not safe if they make this mistake. Unless however, they’re in a mainstream horror film and the studio is afraid of providing a tragic ending and opt for a “cop-out” ending instead. (*cough* Vacancy *cough*)

The Best Friend- Best friends to the hero/heroine are almost always screwed. They provide the moral support for the lead, and in a horror movie that needs to be STRIPPED as soon as possible. If they don’t die, you can bet they are most likely the killer(s).

The “Too Interesting/Funny” Character- If you find yourself watching a horror movie where a supporting character stands out amongst a bunch of one-note and boring characters that lack substance and is stealing every scene they’re in, you should prepare yourself for disappointment. With every chuckle this character is able to get out of the audience, is just one step closer to his/her demise. This character needs to get dispatched of due to the fact they are stealing the film’s main focus, and I think the filmmakers and writers get off on the fact of hearing the majority of the audience say, “Aww…I really liked him/her.”

The “Gimp”-If a character gets severely injured be it getting shot, stabbed, or merely just twisting their ankle very badly, they will NOT make it. Why is this? Two words. Dead weight. The killer will make sure to lighten that “load” very early on.

The “I can’t!” Screaming B*tches-It is most likely guaranteed in a slasher film you will see a whiny helpless female that will frustrate you more than watching the Brenda/Dylan/Kelly love triangle saga on 90210 back in the day. (oooh..that really got under my skin!) Nowadays in horror films, the helpless can emerge into the vengeful heroine at the end. However, if a female in a horror movie stops running, starts to cry, and screams out repeatedly the words, “I can’t!” over and over again, they will NOT (or should I say CAN’T) survive the movie.

The “Famous Person without Top Billing” Character- If you notice a high profile actor/actress who does not have top billing in a horror movie with lesser known or unknown actors, this person will perish. (And most likely very early on in the film) Most cases, these characters don’t even interact with any of the other characters in the movie. They are usually offed in the prologue, simply to start the film with a bang. However in some cases, celebrities are killed halfway through the movie to provide shock value. (Take Samuel L. Jackson’s demise in ‘Deep Blue Sea’ for example)

The Horror Aficionado- When ‘Scream’ came out, horror fans finally got to see a character onscreen that they could all relate to-the horror geek named Randy Meeks. This was a huge leap in the evolution of horror movies because before that, characters in slashers seemed to live in an alternate universe where horror movies didn’t exist. Since then, aficionados have become an important part in horror films….unfortunately they’re usually not BIG parts.
I’m a huge horror geek, but put me in a scary movie, and I’d be lucky if I barely made the sequel. Why is this you might ask?
a) Horror Aficionados are usually the “too interesting/funny character” in the film. (See above for the fate of those characters)
b) Like most of the supporting cast, they’re there to serve a purpose for the lead protagonist. Other characters’ deaths, reactions and actions make the lead gain leadership, and power. Aficionados are there to provide the lead with enough knowledge to successfully make the right choices to stay alive. Once their purpose is served, they’re usually dispatched of.
c) Keeping a horror aficionado alive is like having all the answers for a huge exam.
So that’s my list!

Can you provide any other doomed characters?

Are Slashers Getting Worse or are we Simply Getting Old?

Originally posted on
On the weekend, I decided to go to the theatres to see The Ruins. (The first decent mainstream horror film of this year if you ask me!) When I was walking to the concession stand to get my usual and overpriced snacks, I saw something that shocked the hell out of me…..and that was I saw a gigantic line up for….Prom Night.

I didn’t know whether to shake my head at the crowd, or point at them and laugh. Then it seemed that the joke was on me, because as soon as I got home, I found out not only did Prom Night make a sh*t load of money, but it also came in number one at the box office!! (WTF?!?!)
I kept contemplating as to how this was even possible. All of my friends had agreed that the movie looked like complete and utter sh*t and that it didn’t even look like it was worth the space on a computer for illegal downloading. I was under the assumption that no one wanted to go see this movie. So how did it make so much money you may ask? Teenagers, that’s how! Gullible teenagers far as the eye could see were standing in lines all over North America to watch a beyond predictable and brainless slasher movie.

I thought this was funny until I was hit with a flashback from when I was 14 years old. It was circa 1998, when Kevin Williamson knock offs and WB scream queens were all the rage. It was a time when Eli Roth and Darren Bousman were not known as the kings of mainstream horror, and Jamie Blanks was the new “IT” horror director.

There I was standing in a horrifically long line up, where I was anxiously awaiting to see….Urban Legend. In fact, I even went to see the movie….twice. (Gasp!) At the time, I loved the movie. I jumped at all the “scary” parts, I laughed at the stupid Dawson’s Creek reference, and I felt so accomplished that I figured out who the killer was….fifteen minutes before it was revealed. :P

Now when I watch the movie, I am embarrassed by my reaction to it just 10 years ago. However, it was a far better movie than Blank’s follow-up, Valentine. (A slasher I only watch now for the cameo appearance of hottie Johnny Whitworth.)

It was after that humiliating and revealing flashback, I had an epiphany. I realized that I had lined up to see the same bad slasher movies when I was young, that teenagers are lining up to see now. So why do I have such a repulsion to for Prom Night now?

Well besides it being yet another needless and very loosely based remake and as hard as this is going to be to write….I have grown tired of the conventions of a formula slasher movie. (I don’t think I’m the only one.) After years of watching slashers, you notice that they hardly evolve. In fact, most of them are stuck in the decade slasher thrived in. (That’s the eighties for you young ones reading this.. :P) The only time they do change, is when a movie re-invents the genre, and unfortunately that movie becomes the blue print for future rip offs.

Which brings up the question, are slasher movies getting worse or are we simply getting too old for the sh*t?

Think about it. The things in slasher movies that scared you when you were young do not scare you now. You start to become conscious of flaws that never bothered you before. You start to realize that the “boo” scares are merely just cheap ploys to frighten the audience. You start to notice the poorly written scripts far more, and you can always predict which order the characters are going to die even before they’re in harm’s way.

When you’re young, you don’t seem to notice these many imperfections due to the fact that you are extremely new to the horror genre. Argento, Romero, and Fulci are just names, rather than legends. I’m sure I’m not the only one who spent the majority of their childhood going to the video store and renting every bad slasher on VHS. Therefore, when you spend your early years dedicating your time to a sub-genre of films that puts majority of original thought and creativity solely in the “kills” department, you’re bound to grow tired and bored of formula slashers. Sure, you still treasure the old ones for nostalgic reasons, but majority of horror fans my age and above tend to stay away from the new ones, because it’s just not the same anymore.

So now it’s 2008, teenagers are still lining up to see mindless slasher films, and now Eli Roth knock offs and CW scream queens are all the rage. Has anything really changed?

Now if you excuse me, I suddenly have the urge to stock up on ‘Oil of Olay’ products.